evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
