At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
