I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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