At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
