i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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