i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
