I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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