my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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