Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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