noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
