I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
