There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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