Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
