I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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