You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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