It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
