there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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