This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
