yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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