U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Btw I puked in your glovebox
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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