We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
