Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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