I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
