This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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