Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
