Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just pee around me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
