Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
