so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
