i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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