Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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