Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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