You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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