mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
