I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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