either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
It's Friday. Sex?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
last night I used snow as a chaser
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
