I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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