Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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