Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
