I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
