The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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