Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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