You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
