I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
