if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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