He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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