i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
