I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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