Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my shit smells like andre
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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