I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
