He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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