Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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