imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
she peed on how many people?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
